Mind the Zone
I'm pretty sure we're all familiar with the concept of The Friend Zone. Even the Oxford English Dictionary acknowledges it, as 'a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unrequited romantic or sexual interest in the other'. Wikipedia elaborates on this, helpfully stating the obvious that 'it is generally considered to be an undesirable or dreaded situation by the lovelorn person'. In other words, it sucks.
In heterosexual situations, various theories abound around The Friend Zone. Some people think it's usually men who are 'zoned' by women, whilst others think the concept is misogynist as it implies that women should perform sexual favours in order to avoid being put in The Friend Zone by men who won't look beyond the physical. To me this perspective seems quite two dimensional and derisory to both men and women, but that's besides the point in this blog post. What I'm interested in here is an angle that is widely ignored in popular culture, which is just how common friend zoning is in the world of lesbian dating. To me, there exists a whole separate Lesbian Friend Zone, which I think most of us have probably visited more often that we'd like (if it was a bar it would probably in the basement of the straight Zone but much more crowded).
So let's explore the Lesbian Friend Zone (let's call it LFZ - as we already exist in a sea of acronyms, what's one more?). Why is it so common to end up there and what can we do to avoid it?
I can only speak from experience and observation, but having thought about this a lot, there are three main routes that I think lead to the LFZ:
1) 
Empathy: in my experience, women on first dates are more likely to try and put each other at ease than to overtly flirt. They ask questions, find common ground and empathise. Which is obviously lovely; it helps lead beyond superficial conversations to start to get to know each other better than three hours of flirty banter alone. I'm sure most people find empathy an attractive quality - no one wants to date a robot, after all (or at least, that's pretty niche) and I know I warm to empathic people quickly. But herein lies the problem... When women overdo the empathy and sharing, this gives room for the deadly topic of dating to be aired: how hard it is to date femmes, experiences of bad dates, broken hearts, etc. This is a direct route to the LFZ. Don't even pass go. I would say whatever you do, do NOT discuss dating on a first date! Try more humour and topic based conversation to try and uncover the other person's opinions, values etc - don't rely on a Q&A approach or focus too much on asking about the facts of their life.
2) 
Moving too slowly: things can be going really well - no talk of dating, just good conversation, banter, eye contact etc, but as there are no 'rules' with femme dating, neither of you makes a move (due to being unsure as to what the other person thinks, scared of rejection or worried about messing it up by coming on too strong etc). So you go on another date, have some positive texting inbetween, and think that you really should make a move next time. But then you end up saying a rushed goodbye on the tube, and the opportunity is lost. So you are forced to declare that you really like her in text, by which point she has started to think of you as more of a friend. It has somehow gone beyond romantic and you are left kicking yourself because if you had just moved a bit sooner, it could have turned out differently. It may not have, but from bitter experience with this one, it probably would've been worth the risk of flirting a bit more and saying something a bit sooner. The disclaimer here is that everyone has to act in a way that comes naturally to them, and being brave is different from putting on a really full-on persona which could send someone running a mile (if you're just looking for a good time, this is probably ok. But then you're probably not bothered about Friend Zone anyway...)
3) 
Inevitability: this is where there really is no way to avoid going into the LFZ. It's inevitable because on one or both sides, there is just no chemistry from the outset. It's painful if you are the one willing the magic to be there, but if it's not, it's a lost cause. The good news is that she thinks you're an amazing person and would really like to stay friends. The bad news is, you have to decide whether this will stab you in the heart every time you meet up in the LFZ.
Being in the Lesbian Friend Zone can have its uses - this is a small world after all, and the one for you might end up being a friend of the person you're in The Zone with. But as by definition, the Friend Zone usually isn't a mutual decision, and one ends up put there rather than choosing to go there, it can be a dangerous place if you secretly hope that by staying friends, something more could grow. It could - a lot of women form relationships from friendships, and start to feel chemistry as a result of a connection, rather than instantly. Not as romantic as a thunderbolt, but the people I've felt most for have been 'growers', and I think I often need to grow on people too, as I can only properly myself when I know someone well enough to be comfortable with them. So sometimes being friends for a while is better than making a snap decision that this person isn't a potential partner and shutting the door completely.
But staying friends hoping for something more can also fuel unrequited feelings and emotionally entrap you. It is difficult to be open to new people and opportunities if your thoughts and feelings default to your LFZ buddy. It can also be easy to idealise someone you can't have, making them an impossible yardstick to judge anyone new against. I think it's important to know yourself and be able to read the signs well enough to see and accept when it's never going to blossom. And then to have enough self esteem to tell yourself that if you have to try too hard, it probably isn't worth it, and you deserve (and will find!) required love with someone else.
So my predictable conclusion on the lesbian Friend Zone? That it's ok to visit, but not a good idea to stay too long nursing that one drink. There are better places to explore.