You say vulnerability, I say connection
Writing the profile. Choosing the photos. Clicking 'send'. Walking into the bar. Talking. Leaning in. Taking a deep breath and saying how you feel. Or don't feel. Admitting you're a bit gutted if she doesn't feel the same... The whole process of internet dating requires huge amounts of effort and courage at every stage, just to function. But what I really think is behind this is vulnerability. And far from courage overcoming vulnerability, it's the vulnerability itself that's courageous. That's a lot of vulnerability in one paragraph, I know, but bear with me...
I recently listened to a TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown. What she says is the kind of stuff that seems so obvious that you don't really think about how true it is until someone actually says it. She says that unless we have the courage to be imperfect and have compassion for others to be the same (i.e. unless we allow vulnerability) then we can't build true connections. If we numb vulnerability then we numb joy as well. So we have to embrace it in order to build relationships, even when it's not comfortable.
Ok, so psychobabble bit over; I started thinking about how to be vulnerable in dating situations. I think it's actually pretty easy for a lot of women to be vulnerable with those close to us, but with a new person, it can be really hard to be ourselves - ironically when we most want and need to be. Meeting people online isn't a natural environment, so as much as it can be easier to say things in email than in person, it's also harder to be authentic and truly vulnerable (or to connect) in the way that it is in person.
Having said that, I'm making myself vulnerable writing this, as I'm admitting that in the past year of internet dating I've allowed myself to be both too vulnerable and not vulnerable enough, or at least not at the right time.
From what I've learnt, I think Step 1 is to be brave enough to send a message to someone you like without agonising over it too much. The more instinctive it is, the more true to who you are. Step 2 is to try and meet up as soon as possible, as the way someone embodies themselves, their vulnerability, and the dynamic you have with them is only going to be apparent in person. But after that I don't think the steps are clear. How much do you reveal about yourself in conversation? It's all very well being a bit vulnerable, but if you start sobbing and telling them how nervous you are as it's your first date in however long, followed by your whole coming out story and relationship history, that's probably tipping in to the unstable, over-sharing or needy category. Not the kind of openness and honesty that's going to build a connection.
With two femmes especially, it can be difficult to gauge mutual interest as there are no stereotypical rules that one party should make the first move, or any of the moves. But someone has to, which means being a bit vulnerable if you like someone and testing the water. Equally, I think if the feeling isn't mutual then a little bit of vulnerability can either help it morph into a friendship, or if that's not going to work, at least to leave it on terms that won't be awkward if you encounter each other on the scene (we all know the lesbian world is way too small!). By this, I mean being vulnerable enough to tell someone kindly if you don't feel the elusive 'spark' or to admit you're disappointed if they don't reciprocate your feelings, but to say you understand. In this way, I think women can be quite generous to each other and give a mutual respect (or what Brene Brown calls compassion) that leaves things on good terms.
Again, there is obviously a balance to be struck here - it won't really help your cause (or self respect) to admit that someone telling you they don't fancy you resulted in you crying along to 'Where does the good go' by Teagan and Sara, and subsequently having to play 'Roar' by Katy Perry on repeat to pick yourself back up again. (Just for example). And it has to be mutual - if you don't trust the person or get a good vibe from them, or if someone treats you badly, then they're the last person you want to be vulnerable in front of. But in that situation I think you are looking to conserve yourself and disconnect, so vulnerability is firmly back in the tool box.
My conclusion is that vulnerability isn't really a dance you can learn the steps to, as it's different with each person. My advice would be to mix metaphors here and test out the layers theory. Just take off a scarf of vulnerability first and see how it feels. If the reaction is good you might want to slip out of that cardie after the next drink, but don't get carried away and take the underwear with it all at once. Most importantly, be true to the you that's underneath. With the right person vulnerability won't feel like fear, it will feel like honesty and connection. But we're all going to get it wrong sometimes and flash someone unwittingly.